3 Fast Things
Happy International Women’s Day! It’s about time we had a gear shift isn’t it? I’m all gay’d out. I celebrated World Pride so hard that I almost forgot I had my own special day coming up. Having just finished hosting World Pride in Australia, I feel like I’m having a birthday right after Christmas.
One of my little bros is getting married this month. I’m so bloody excited and proud to see him marry one of the loveliest ladies in all the lands. I’ve lucked out on my bro’s marriage choices and that’s something I’m regularly grateful for. I can’t imagine having a sibling you are close to marry some douchebag. It would be so annoying and difficult and no doubt very confrontational for me.
You’re going to have to wait for my newsletter-ino delving into my psychology around eating, I have something more important that popped up. 👇
1 Slow Thing: I froze my eggs
So for IWD this year, I celebrated how equality gave me so much freedom and independence that I could run away from all responsibility and forward planning in my 20s, and totally disregard the need to plan for the kids I want. I seem to know more about freeing myself from the patriarchy than I do about breeding myself within it.
Did you know that when you turn 35, you get a letter in the mail acknowledging your age and relationship status? Then it goes on to give you two choices:
a) Either rush to find a husband
b) Rush to freeze your eggs
Some people call this letter a birthday card from your mother.
When you freeze your eggs it feels like you go into a breeding program. The goal of such programs is to produce offspring with better traits than the parents. So I feel I need to find some genetically superior specimen to inseminate me. I'd ideally like to breed out undesirable traits like my big forehead and wonky jaw, and breed in genetically superior traits like a trust fund.
If I’m really honest with myself though, I don't have super high standards. My main requirement is that the sperm I use doesn’t chase its own tail.
So I had my eggs collected just last Friday. I actually grew up on a farm and my job was always to feed the chickens and collect the eggs, but I can tell you now, it’s not the same. My eggs are not RSPCA approved.
For two weeks before the surgery, I was pumped full of hormones. I reckon I could have sold my breasts to KFC. Not only were they steaming with the estrogen needed for a delicious Zinger burger, but they were so tender and juicy. Even I wanted to motorboat them.
Every night over these two weeks, you have to self-inject multiple hormones into your belly fat. If you don’t have belly fat, well fuck you, you don’t deserve kids, you already have it too good.
But these hormones made me feel like I had the worst PMS. So I was angry and shooting up every night, and I started to feel like the biggest hormone junkie because I developed this crazy addiction to having the perfect excuse for being a bitch to people.
“Can you not talk to me today – sorry, hormones.”
“I don’t really want to be your friend anymore – it’s the hormones.”
“Oh, I pushed her in front of a bus – oopsie, hormones 🤷🏼♀️.”
You have to take these hormones because they encourage your body to produce many, many eggs. It’s usually just the one huevo a month for us humans, but with the assistance of modern technology, you can get enough to make an omelet!
The amount of eggs your body produces with this treatment varies woman to woman though. And it’s important to remember that a low egg count doesn’t make you any less of a chook.
What does make you feel like livestock is the way you find out how many eggs they’ve collected. You wake up from being under general anesthetic. You’re all alone. You’re trying to remember who you are. Then you notice this sticker on your hand, where they’ve scribbled the number of eggs they sucked out of you.
Mine said 20 (I know, what a beast) but imagine if you woke up and found zero on your hand. You’d be so sad. But I don’t actually think they write zero if it’s zero, I think they write “try rushing to find a husband”.
Watch
This week’s video: Watch my interview with Fady Kassab. This is a goodie. He’s an interesting guy and arguably one of Australia’s best comedians. He’s coming up hot. Make sure you see him in Melbourne or Sydney, he’ll be performing at both those comedy festivals.
Upcoming Shows
I actually have no upcoming shows because I’m taking a little break while I re-direct my life. I’ve got the old, “you can’t do EVERYTHING” creeping up on me again. More on that another day.
Recommendation
Listen: The Story Grid Podcast “Helping you become a better writer. Shawn Coyne, author of Story Grid and a top editor for 25+ years, and Tim Grahl, a struggling writer, discuss the ins and outs of what makes a story great.”
Got several chuckles out of me this week!